


This Is Home

by localspacelesbian



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, Gen, Panic Attacks, Songfic, aroace jonah, buffy marty and jonah as the ace trio will become a thing even if i have to do it myself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-27 05:46:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21113678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/localspacelesbian/pseuds/localspacelesbian
Summary: Jonah struggles with the idea of coming out to his parents





	This Is Home

**Author's Note:**

> title and song lyrics from This Is Home by Cavetown

💜

Jonah: hey are you guys busy?

Buffy: We’re just hanging out at Marty’s house. Why?

Jonah: is it like a date? or?

Buffy: It doesn’t have to be. Why?

Jonah: i kinda don’t want to be at home right now but i don’t wanna crash your date

Marty: you wouldn’t be crashing. you know you’re always welcome at my house

Jonah: thanks. i’ll be there soon

Marty: can’t wait ;)

Jonah put his headphones in as he left the apartment building. As he walked to Marty’s house, he tried to focus on the music to stop his brain from reliving the conversation that had just happened with his parents.

_ Often I am upset _

_ That I cannot fall in love _

_ But I guess _

_ This avoids the stress of falling out of it _

_ “So, Jonah how was your first week of high school? You meet any cute girls yet?” _

_ Jonah resisted the urge to roll his eyes at his dad as he felt a wave of discomfort fall over him. He shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess I wasn’t really paying much attention to whether or not the girls are cute.” _

_ “Oh come on, a ladies’ man like you? You used to have a new girlfriend every week. What happened?” _ Implying that that was a good thing?

_ Jonah shrugged again. “I guess I just haven’t met anyone I like.” _

_ “What about Andi?” his mom asked. “You used to really like her. Whatever happened there?” _

_ He shrugged again. “We decided we’re better off as friends.” _

_ “Oh come on. Guys and girls are never just friends.” _

_ And that. For some reason, that was just about his limit. He didn’t think he could stand to be in the same room as his parents any longer. So he stood up from the couch and walked into his bedroom, ignoring the looks his parents gave him as he did. He texted Marty and Buffy and then started pulling on his shoes and hoodie before even waiting for a response. _

_ Get a load of this monster _

_ He doesn't know how to communicate _

_ His mind is in a different place _

_ Will everybody please give him a little bit of space? _

_ Get a load of this train wreck _

_ His hair's a mess and he doesn't know who he is yet _

_ But little do we know, the stars _

_ Welcome him with open arms _

As he got close to Marty’s house, he texted them to tell them he was there, and Marty told him to just come on in, so he did. He found them in the living room playing Wii Sports Resort bowling. He sat on the couch and watched them finish the game. Buffy, of course, won, but it was very close, as Marty was quick to point out.

He handed Jonah his remote. “You wanna play?”

Jonah smiled. “Sure.” They let him pick the next game. Normally, he’d pick frisbee, because obviously, but this time he picked sword fighting. Something about swinging the remote around and pretending to hit someone repeatedly just seemed appealing at the moment.

Buffy apparently wasn’t expecting him to be so aggressive (and, to be fair, neither was he) because he managed to catch her off-guard and knock her mii off the platform relatively quickly. In the second round, she was clearly more prepared. They went at it for a while, neither of them budging until he almost hit her in real life.

“Are you ok, dude?” she asked him, taking a step away from him without looking away from the screen.

“I’m fine,” he answered, a bit more aggressively than he intended as he swung the remote again. But her question had caught him off-guard enough to cause him to slip up. He watched his mii flying through the air on the screen.  _ Damn. _

The third round was once again very evenly matched. They both were just swinging at each other aggressively. Eventually, the timer appeared on the screen. He heard Buffy’s voice in his head saying, ‘ _ Driscoll doesn’t draw, _ ’ as he finally managed get in a hit just in time. He watched with a sense of satisfaction as her mii fell into the water. He smirked at her and she just rolled her eyes him before grabbing her cup of water off the coffee table they had moved to the side of the room and taking a drink.

He noticed that while they were playing, Marty had gotten him a cup of water too, and he took a drink gratefully. That game had taken more out of him than he had expected it to. He suddenly felt very tired, so he decided to lie down on the floor. The other two shared a look before lying down on either side of him and each taking one of his hands in theirs.

“Are you ok?” Buffy asked again, more softly this time.

He shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t know.” Buffy squeezed his hand. He sighed. “It’s just the usual stuff, you know. My parents kept asking me about girls.”

“I’m sorry.”

He sighed again. “It’s just like. Do they not see how much happier I am without a girlfriend? Or do they just not care?” Buffy squeezed his hand again. “And it doesn’t help that until literally like two months ago, I didn’t even know why. I just thought something was wrong with me. And I guess they still think something’s wrong with me… and I just don’t know what to do.”

“Have you tried talking to them?” Marty asked.

“It’s not like they would listen to me. They never listen to me. And they probably wouldn’t even believe me. They’re just so caught up in their idea of what they want me to be that they don’t know or care about who I actually am.” He had never really put these thoughts into words before, but now that he did, it really hit him how much it hurt.

“I’m sorry,” Marty said.

“And hey, you don’t have to come out if you don’t want to. I mean, you know I still haven’t. But whatever you do, we’ll be here to support you,” Buffy reassured him.

“Thank you.”

The three of them continued to lie there in silence for a while until Marty’s mom walked into the living room and gave them a weird look. “Are you guys ok?”

“Yeah, sometimes you just gotta lay on the floor, you know?” Marty answered.

“Fair enough. Well, when you’re done lying on the floor, can you come set the table? Supper’s almost ready.”

Over the next couple months, things at home got worse. It wasn’t like  _ every _ conversation with his parents ended in an argument about when Jonah was going to get a girlfriend, but it was starting to feel like that. So he did what he did best: he avoided them. Which, to be fair, wasn’t that hard. Now that school had started, he was busy all the time, much more than he had been in middle school. Ultimate was more intense, homework was harder, and he managed to get a job at the Red Rooster. He spent as much of what free time he had as he could with his friends, whenever they weren’t too busy anyway. The stress was starting to affect him though. His panic attacks, which had been much less intense over the summer, seemed to be back with a vengeance. Cyrus kept trying to get him to see someone about them, but that would require telling his parents, and he didn’t think he was ready to do that yet. He had no idea how they would react. Besides, they probably couldn’t afford therapy anyway.

It all culminated in an argument one evening after dinner. He wasn’t even sure what had started it, but it was worse than any they had had before. He felt the panic start to pour into him. He couldn’t breathe. He needed to get out of there. It was too late and too cold to go somewhere else, so he turned to go to his room.

“Hey, don’t walk away from us again. We’re not done here.” He ignored his dad and ran.

He didn’t bother closing the door all the way. He just started pacing and tried to catch his breath. He struggled to remember any of the breathing exercises Cyrus had shown him. He saw his guitar leaning against the wall next to his dresser. He grabbed it and sat on his bed with it in his lap. He tried to remember those first three chords Bowie had taught him. His fingers were shaking, but he managed to get them in the right spot. He concentrated on the notes. It took a couple tries, but by the time he got all three of them, he had stopped shaking and his breathing was starting to get back to normal. He kept playing. At first, he wasn’t playing any song in particular, just some random notes and chords. He didn’t want to play any of his own songs because that would mean thinking about his own feelings more than he wanted to at the moment. After a minute, he noticed that he had started playing a song that he had been trying to learn the other day for fun and that had been stuck in his head ever since.

_ Often I am upset _

_ That I cannot fall in love _

_ But I guess _

_ This avoids the stress of falling out of it _

_ Are you tired of me yet? _

_ I'm a little sick right now _

_ But I swear _

_ When I'm ready I will fly us out of here _

He was so absorbed in the music that he tuned out the rest of the world around him. He didn’t notice that his mom had come into his room until he finished the song and looked up.

“That was really good. Did you write that?”

He snorted lightly and shook his head. “Nah, it’s just a song I’ve been listening to a lot lately..”

She nodded and pointed at his bed. “Can I sit?”

He nodded and set his guitar against the wall next to the bed. He could feel the awkwardness in the room. He started fidgeting with the ring on his finger. It was the ace ring Bowie had gotten him when he had first come out.

“Can we talk?” He shrugged. “What… What just happened? I’ve never seen you react like that before.”

He took a deep breath. So… this was happening. “It was a panic attack.” He shrugged again. “Not like a really bad one. I’ve had worse.”

“You have?” He nodded. “So this happens a lot?” He nodded again. “How many have you had?”

He shrugged. “I haven’t exactly counted them.”

“How long has this been happening?”

“The first one was at Cyrus’s bar mitzvah.”

He heard her sharp intake of breath. He couldn’t look at her. He just kept staring at his ring as he continued to twist it around his finger. “That was what? A year and a half ago?” He nodded. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

He shrugged again. “I guess I didn’t want to worry you.”

“Jonah.” She put her hand on his, effectively forcing him to look up at her. “I am always going to worry about you. I’m your mom. That’s kind of my job.” He gave her a sad smile. “And you can always talk to us about stuff like this. I’m sorry we made you feel like you couldn’t.”

“It’s fine.” He looked away again.

“It’s not though. We should have been there for you more. You have changed so much over the past two years, and I guess we should have seen it coming, but it scared us, so we just pretended it wasn’t happening. But that wasn’t fair to you. I want to get to know this new person you’re becoming, but mostly I just want you to be happy.”

He looked back up at her. “I am happy.”

“Are you sure?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Well, mostly. Other than the whole ‘panic attack’ thing, you know. But I actually have real friends for the first time like ever. It’s nice.”

She nodded. “That’s good.” She nudged him with her shoulder. “I don’t suppose you’d let me meet the rest of your friends any time soon? Buffy and Cyrus seemed nice.”

He smiled. “Yeah, maybe. Just don’t try to teach them all how to dance.”

She laughed. “I make no promises.” He rolled his eyes, but he was still smiling. It felt good to actually talk to his mom about this stuff.  _ Who knew talking about things actually helped? (Ok so, Cyrus knew. And Buffy. And Marty. And wow, maybe I should listen to my friends more?) _ She squeezed his hand. “And I’m sorry that your father and I keep bothering you about girls. I didn’t realize how much that upset you. We’ll stop, ok?” He breathed a sigh of relief and nodded. “I mean, you don’t really need to worry about girls yet. There’ll be plenty of time for that later.” He cringed internally. “We’ve just been worried, you know? You haven’t dated anyone since Amber, and I know she didn’t exactly treat you very well, and I don’t want that to-”

He shook his head. “It’s not about Amber. We’ve worked everything out. We’re friends now, remember? And I know you don’t think guys and girls can be friends, but we can. We are. I love being friends with Amber. And Andi and Buffy.”

She nodded. “Ok. I’m sorry I said that. You can be friends with whoever you want.”

He nodded. “Thank you.”

“So, if it’s not about Amber, why haven’t you had a girlfriend in so long?”

He shrugged. “I guess I just realized that I don’t need a girlfriend to be happy.”

She squeezed his hand again. “Oh honey, of course you don’t. I’m sorry if we ever made you feel like you did. But you will tell us, right? When you  _ do _ get a girlfriend?”

He winced slightly. “What if…” Was he really going to do this right now? He took a deep breath “What if I  _ don’t _ get a girlfriend? Ever.” Apparently he was.

“Oh sweetie, don’t say that. You’ll find someone one day. I’m sure any girl would be lucky to date you.”  _ I’m pretty sure every girl I’ve ever dated would disagree with that, but ok. _ She wasn’t getting it.

He shook his head. “No. I mean. What if I don’t  _ want _ a girlfriend.”

She seemed confused, and then a look of realization dawned on her face. She smiled at him knowingly. “Well, I’m sure any boy would be lucky to date you too.” She still wasn’t getting it.

He almost laughed out of frustration. He shook his head. “No. that’s not what I mean. I don’t want to date  _ anyone _ .”

She gave him a confused look. “Why not?”

He looked down at his bracelet. It was one Andi had made him with the aro and ace colors. He took another deep breath and looked back up at her. “I’m aromantic.”

Her look of confusion did not go away. “What does that mean?”

“It means that I don’t feel romantic attraction.”

“I don’t understand. What about all the girlfriends you had in middle school?”

He looked away. “Yeah, I didn’t actually like them. At least not that way. I think Cyrus called it ‘compulsory heterosexuality.’ Basically, I thought that I was  _ supposed _ to like girls, so I convinced myself that I did when really I never felt any differently about them than I did about my guy friends. That’s why I was so unhappy in all those relationships.”

“Oh.” He couldn’t bring himself to look at her face.

“Yeah. Sorry, I know it’s kinda complicated, and I’m not very good at explaining it. But I know it’s real. You wanted to get to know me; well, this is it. I’m aromantic, and I get panic attacks, and I play frisbee and guitar, and I love my friends. That’s who I am. I’m sorry.”

She squeezed his hand and he finally looked up at her. She was smiling at him. “Hey, you have nothing to apologize for. I love you exactly how you are, and I always will. Ok?” He nodded and she pulled him into a hug. He couldn’t remember the last time she had hugged him. It was nice. He almost didn’t want to let go, but eventually, he did.

“I love you, too.”

She smiled at him. “And about the panic attacks, do you maybe want to see somebody about that?”

He looked down and started fidgeting with his ring again. He shrugged. “Well, Cyrus keeps saying I should, but I know we probably can’t afford it, so…”

She shook her head and held his hand again. “Hey, don’t worry about that. I’ll check if our insurance covers it, ok? And even if it doesn’t, we’ll find a way. Ok?”

He nodded. “Ok.”

She smiled at him and hugged him again before standing up. “Do you want to tell your dad about all of this, or do you want me to?”

“You can tell him.” He didn’t think he could go through all of this again.

She nodded. “Ok.” She kissed the top of his head and then started to walk away. As she got to the door, she turned back. “Good night. I love you.”

“Good night. I love you, too.” She smiled at him one last time before leaving the room and closing the door behind her.

He lay back on his bed. He wasn’t sure if he had ever felt more exhausted in his life. But it had gone better than he had expected it to. The anxious part of his brain started to wonder if his dad would take it as well as his mom had, but he tried to push those thoughts away for now. He could worry about that tomorrow. He pulled out his phone and opened his group chat with Marty and Buffy. He decided he’d wait until the next day at school to tell the rest of his friends, but he couldn’t wait to tell the two of them.

💜

Jonah: so…

Jonah: i just came out to my mom

Marty: omg how’d it go?

Jonah: much better than i was expecting, so that’s lit

Buffy: Oh my god! I’m so proud of you!

Marty: me too fam

Jonah: thanks guys

Jonah: i love you

Jonah: 💜

Buffy: I love you too Jonah 💜💚

Marty: love you too fam 💜💚

Buffy: But don’t think you can get away without telling us the whole story.

Marty: yes. spill the tea

Jonah: hmm

Jonah: maybe tomorrow

Jonah: i’m tired

Buffy: Ok fine. Good night

Marty: gnight

Jonah: good night

_ Get a load of this trainwreck _

_ His hair's a mess and he doesn't know who he is yet _

_ But little do we know the stars welcome him with open arms _

_ Oh _

_ Time is _

_ Slowly _

_ Tracing his face _

_ But strangely he feels at home in this place. _


End file.
